Thursday, January 2, 2014

Allure Magazine and a McDonalds Bag

"I couldn't be a society wife. I like to lie on the ground, and get dirty, and play my music too loud too much."
As someone who spends a fair amount of time at Bass Pro Shop, it may surprise you to know that I also spend at least twenty minutes most mornings trying to figure out exactly which scarf perfectly coordinates with my gloves, hat, jeans, boots, and cardigan. And just because I do enjoy spending a good chunk of my leisure time browsing through the pages of Allure and Teen Vogue magazine does not mean I cannot also enjoy popping into the Women's section of Dick's Sporting Goods. My point here boils down to that old sentiment: don't judge a book by it's jacket, for it is interchangeable. What? Not the 'old sentiment' you were expecting? My point exactly.

The two sides of my wardrobe coordinate perfectly with the two major divisions of my personality (let's not get into the infinite subdivisions because we'll be here until 2015 rolls around) and yet they perfectly mesh together as well, a concept that I ashamedly just discovered. See, half of me is the down-home Southern belle that grew up on Sunday night football and Saturday morning tree-stand-runs; an enticing (if conniving) smile, a pair of blue jeans, waterproof makeup, and a stick-straight posture down to my manicured fingernails makes up this side. The other half would be the British-fashion-blogger-wannabe with New York dreams that eats rabbit food and little else; this would be the 'Miss Matchy' side, the gloves match the shirt that matches the hat which matches the scarf and the boots. Don't even get me started on the matching jewelry. I was perfectly okay living these two lives separately until they collided in a way that makes me want to go back in time and smack the 13 year old me who thought she knew it all.

Before I ramble on and on and on, let me make a quick point so slackers can understand this: some of the most fashionable people you'd ever hope to meet, are the Southern mama's going to church or their "babies" going off to prom. (For real, just look at beautiful Sadie Robertson) Seems contradictory doesn't it? Just because we like to roll around in the mud (occasionally) and ride four wheelers, people assume our entire wardrobe consists of endless pairs of blue jeans, Converse, and flannel shirts. You couldn't be more wrong. Okay yes, we do have the blue jeans and the flannel, but hanging next to it is our faux-couture Louis Vuitton black leather bag and matching pumps that we sneak out of the house in our purse when we go out, wearing Converse until we jump in the car out of the prying eyes of shotgun-wielding Fathers. Okay I'm back from my momentary flashback. 

"My ultimate goal as a girl is to look classy in Converse. When you can do that, you know you've made it."
So yes, I am that girl walking into the local hunting hotspot like it's the Milan runway, shaking my hair and conspicuously rearranging my necklace, rings, and/or earrings. But if you were to walk in right after me, you'd understand why. This is pageant queen territory full of thick, winged, water-proof eyeliner and more bronzer than a newly minted penny and if you don't blend in with them, you will be outshined. (And those cute country boys modeling the latest in work boots and John Deere caps are also excellent motivators) Keep in mind, that while I may be the most fashionable at Home Depot, I have also been known to wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt to my crush's house so it's really dependent on my mood. But as of late, I've excelled at blending the two together, with the basic t-shirts and jeans tucked carefully into my cruelty-free Ugg knockoffs, a matching scarf tied chicly around my neck and my brother's Columbia warmer zipped overtop. The key to pretty much any outfit, that I've found anyway, is this: less is more. For a travel day or a trip to the local hardware store, maybe jeans, a loose grey shirt, and a scarf with basic stud earrings and a small pendant necklace are the way to go. The same rule applies to makeup: heavy eyes=neutral lips and vice versa. Ultimately you should feel comfortable in what you're wearing, if anything pinches or pulls or makes you want to tie a sweatshirt around your waist, don't wear it. 

As I write this, I am riding shotgun in the bed of my father's pickup, wearing that exact outfit, down to the borrowed jacket. And yes, there is country music blaring over the speakers. But if you were to take a closer look, you'd see the book about Paris and Allure magazine at my feet, tucked into my faux-designer handbag. I told you not to judge by the jacket! A point I tried to weave in at the beginning (anyone catch it? Anyone?) was this: don't judge before you know. When I say I'm going to the hardware store and then swinging by your house, don't be surprised if I look like I stepped out of a Forever 21 catalog, yet also don't be surprised if I went for a mani/pedi/facial combo at the mall where all my friends are sure to be and wore my flannel pajama bottoms with no makeup. (I've actually been wearing very little makeup as of late, none at all today) My final point is this: I have fashion sense enough for myself and am full of enough self-importance to pass this advice on to you so take my words with a grain of salt and a big helping of common sense. Fashion is a very personal thing and should be treated as such, making the whole idea very contradictory and confusing if you combine it with your surroundings. So remember, I may be sitting in a muddy pickup reading Allure with chopsticks in my hair, but as soon as I'm done it's going in the McDonalds bag hiding in the backseat with the trashed remnants of my quick lunch.
"We live in a size 0 wannabe society where Twinkies were brought out of retirement because of backlash against discontinuing them. Something has to change." 
Happy New Year everybody! Wishing you a great 2014!


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